I Hate You
by southparkouri
Summary: I hate him. I hate him so god damn much. But mostly I hate myself because I can't stop thinking about how stupid in love with him I am.


**Author's Note: I haven't written in a long time. Mostly because I felt like my writing is shit. But I finally got the courage to upload this and I'm hoping to update it on a regular basis. So I need you guys to like give me some feedback so I know whether or not this is worth continuing. Thank you for reading this I'm looking forward to what you guys think.**

**This is only the prologue to this story so I can see what you guys think. I've already written the first chapter so if you guys like this I'll upload chapter 1. This will be told in Tweek's point of view, mostly through his journal entries. For the effect of the telling of the story I'll change to present tense sometimes. Story is inspired by the song I Hate You by Sick Puppies. Enjoy**.

I'm starting this stupid journal entry because people need to know what happened to me if I turn up dead. It will most likely be murder because I have a keen ability of pissing people off. So if I do turn up dead, I want people to have an explanation for why I am the way I am and I don't go down in history as "that freaky kid that wrote a creepy notebook and got murdered for it." This notebook. This god forsaken notebook is my deepest and most horrible secret. So if I turn up dead and people find it, I want them to have an explanation for why I have it. And to prove I'm not THAT much of a freak.

My whole life is a god damn cliche. I hate thinking about it because I seem like a fourteen year old girl who whines about how her crush is sometimes mean to her or calls her names. She complains about how he bullies her, yet she continues to have those irritating feelings towards him. That's my pathetic life that I claim to have no control over, but deep inside I know the only reason I'm miserable is because I make it so.

Unfortunately I can't blame my misery on being a fourteen year old girl. I'm a seventeen year old guy who has an embarrassing crush on my tormentor, Craig Tucker. I hate him. I hate him so god damn much. But mostly I hate myself because I can't stop thinking about how stupid in love with him I am

It all started when we were around thirteen and he grabbed me and shoved me against a locker. (Wow look another fucking cliche). I was deeply disturbed that I liked it way too much. I want him to do it again. It hurt more when he let go of me. After that I went home and contemplated my life. I thought long and hard about it and decided there was definitely something wrong with me since I couldn't stop thinking about Craig, well, long and hard

When I was fourteen I finally came (heh) to accept that I was excessively homosexual. And that's not that odd, I was fine with being gay. It was the fact as Craig's tormenting got worse, the more I liked him more, that really made me think there was something really wrong with my head. I thought other guys were attractive, yeah, but nothing got me going than when Craig would not so subtly knock into me in the hallway while walking to class. I fantasized about him constantly. Sometimes I'd watch porn of a smaller guy getting dominated by a larger guy and I'd imagine it was me and Craig

Is there something wrong with me? Most likely. Do I care? Eh. Am I willing to get professional help? That's fuckin' funny.

I started to realize my issue was getting progressively worse when my small crushed, later becoming an infatuation, developed into a full fledged obsession. I really started to freak myself out when I started ignoring my classwork and even failing quizzes and tests because I couldn't stop thinking about him. Most people would feel relief when there bully passes them in the hallway and ignores them, crazy me would long for him.

At sixteen, my obsession became more aware to me when I started my creepy notebook. I carried it around and wrote about everything Craig did or said to me. Then I started writing down my observations about what he was doing. I felt like a fucking stalker.

For example, I have an entry that says "Today Craig was jogging around town and I spilled a drink on a customer today because I was too busy staring at him run." Yeah that notebook really made me realize what a creepy person I am. But it's not like he'll ever read it it. I only write when he's not around, so it's not like he even knows it exists. I'm not sure if he realizes that he's anymore to me than "that tall guy that pushes me in the hallway." I'm pretty sure the only reason he does anything is because him and his friends think it's funny to get a reaction out of the psycho kid

Craig doesn't just push me around, he knows how to psychologically break me down. He once convinced me I imagined the entire day and it was actually third period. So I ran all the way to my chemistry class only to be told It was the end of the day. I ran to catch my bus but it was pulling out when I got there. And to my dismay, Craig and his friends were there to laugh at my panic attack. He once told me our teacher gave us extra time to study and extended our test date. So when I walked into class later to discover we did in fact have a test, I broke down and was told to leave the class because I was "disturbing the other students." Craig and his friends snickered as I shakily excused myself to the hallway. I tried to tell my teacher that Craig tricked me and she refused to accept any excuses for my "horrendous behavior" and thought I should have known the answers if I just paid attention in class. My grade dropped from a a high B to a C and didn't have any time to bring it up for those nine weeks.

The the physical harm I could deal with, but the psychological distress is what really made me fucking hate him. Half my notebook is me ranting about how much I hate him and how he's the most awful person I've ever met. The other half is me expressing my complete obsession with him and how desperately I want him to fuck me. Honestly, I can't really tell how I feel about Craig. I'm terrified of him, but I want him none the less.


End file.
